"end" is the only part of the word i heard

(currently listening to : friend is a four letter word by cake)

Hi.

No sooner did I finish my last blog that I got the heart crushing of a life time.

How can one invest so much time into someone and try so hard to make it work just to see it all go down the drain.

I don't know where I went wrong.
I don't know if or how I can fix it.

I honestly have no idea. I have bawled my eyes out. I have considered extremes (as usual). I have gotten drunk. I have eaten enough food to feed an army. I have starved myself. I am weak and lonely and I don't know how to start over.

I had never been in love before. It seems impossible to re-learn how to function the way I did before I fell in love. I wish I could erase every moment, every tear, every... everything. I wish I could go back to May '09 and re-try college and be successful. If I had never messed up at Texas State, I would not have had to move to Austin. I would not have had to start working at a restaurant where I would not have gotten myself into this heart breaking situation.

I know I sound so depressing. I know I sound so attention-seeking. But when the only ears that have heard, really heard, you speak for the past year and a half are gone... who else do I have to turn to but this blank computer screen and these small black-and-white keys.

Perhaps one day I can look back and forget about these days. Perhaps one day I can see it all in a different light, with different eyes. Perhaps one day I will meet someone that will set the bar even higher than this one measley man has. Perhaps one day I can move forward with my life without constantly thinking what could have been, or what I could have done differently. But none of this seems likely.

It's so hard to know what to do. It's so hard to do things correctly or perfectly when you know that no matter what it's never going to end well.

I want so badly to be positive... to be able to say something else is there that is keeping me going, but right now nothing seems to matter.

I just wish I could change it.

Thank you for your time, all. You are all truly wonderful people.

-the fickle chicken.

p.s. i am closing my youtube account.

it's taking me further away from reality than i already am.