"end" is the only part of the word i heard

(currently listening to : friend is a four letter word by cake)

Hi.

No sooner did I finish my last blog that I got the heart crushing of a life time.

How can one invest so much time into someone and try so hard to make it work just to see it all go down the drain.

I don't know where I went wrong.
I don't know if or how I can fix it.

I honestly have no idea. I have bawled my eyes out. I have considered extremes (as usual). I have gotten drunk. I have eaten enough food to feed an army. I have starved myself. I am weak and lonely and I don't know how to start over.

I had never been in love before. It seems impossible to re-learn how to function the way I did before I fell in love. I wish I could erase every moment, every tear, every... everything. I wish I could go back to May '09 and re-try college and be successful. If I had never messed up at Texas State, I would not have had to move to Austin. I would not have had to start working at a restaurant where I would not have gotten myself into this heart breaking situation.

I know I sound so depressing. I know I sound so attention-seeking. But when the only ears that have heard, really heard, you speak for the past year and a half are gone... who else do I have to turn to but this blank computer screen and these small black-and-white keys.

Perhaps one day I can look back and forget about these days. Perhaps one day I can see it all in a different light, with different eyes. Perhaps one day I will meet someone that will set the bar even higher than this one measley man has. Perhaps one day I can move forward with my life without constantly thinking what could have been, or what I could have done differently. But none of this seems likely.

It's so hard to know what to do. It's so hard to do things correctly or perfectly when you know that no matter what it's never going to end well.

I want so badly to be positive... to be able to say something else is there that is keeping me going, but right now nothing seems to matter.

I just wish I could change it.

Thank you for your time, all. You are all truly wonderful people.

-the fickle chicken.

p.s. i am closing my youtube account.

it's taking me further away from reality than i already am.

Long Time, No Blog!

(currently listening to: blessings by laura story)

Hey Friends and Friendettes,

I am happy to announce that my vlogging is going rather well. However, it has not left much time for me to actually BLOG! I feel the need to update you all on a few events before further promoting my video blog.

Education:
I am proud to let you all know that I will be attending austin community college in the fall! I'll only be taking english and history. You know, just dipping my feet in the water before I go full throttle into the college thing. I've been debating and debating on what I want my major to be. Finally, I narrowed it down to something in the medical field. Now, I'm pretty sure I want to be a medical examiner. Which is more forensic-e, but still has the word medical in it. Perhaps if it does not work out, I will be a nutritionist or something of that nature, but I'm hoping I will stay the medical examiner route.

Work:
I got a job at a little diner called 24 diner, and it was such a wonderful job. On my first night waiting tables there I made 90 dollars. It was almost too good to be true. It was too good to be true. A few miscommunications with the manager meant cutting down on shifts for me which eventualy led to me having to quit. I still work at good old Logan's Roadhouse, bartending and waiting tables. Eep.

Cosmetology:
Now, I know what you are all thinking. Didn't I go to cosmetology school? Yes. And I had my internship. And I hated it. But I went ahead and took my state board exam anyway. And I failed it. Thus, the new job at the diner. After much discouragement and encouragement and this and that, I finally mustered up the guts to reschedule the thing. I believe it was that moment that I was thrown off the ship at 24 diner that I decided to give my career another go. It's not worth it to be so stressed out about a measly restaurant job when I could be making money in the industry I went to school for. Alas, I will be taking my board exam a second time on July 18. I pray that I pass and that the right job comes along for me!

Love and That Other Bull Crap:
My little broken heart has slowly, but surely, mended itself back to almost whole. I no longer obsess over and wish for being in a relationship. I have come to an understanding with myself that I am all I need. I am comfortable and confident, and I don't need a man. Life is tooooo short for me to have to depend on, care for, cater to, answer to, or be there for anyone else. And vice versa. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

That being said, my wonderful father just got married, and my beautiful mother will soon be getting married. I couldn't be happier for them both. They have both finally found someone that fits their needs. It's a good thing.

Okay okay now back to my Vlogging:
So if you go to this website, you will be able to watch all of the videos I have uploaded. I put a lot of work into all of them, and hope one day to become a YouTube partner. If you don't know what that means, it basically means I make money based on how many views, subscribers, comments, etc.. I get. So what YOU have to do is go like my facebook page to be notified of new updates AND/OR create a YouTube account, subscribe, like, and comment my videos. YouTube has opened my eyes to a whole new world, and I love it. I just hope to make it worth my time.

Hopefully I will be posting more blog updates as opposed to vlogs here pretty soon. Because my little fingers do miss typing out all the things on my fickle mind. And I always feel a little better after it's all out in black and white.

Love to all and stay fickle,

-the fickle chicken.

music plus blogging with a purpose!

(currently listening to swananana by baby bash ft slim thug)

Hey happy chickens,

Here goes another blog. thanks to Jared for the idea on this topic!

Basically it's all about music. Music is such a powerful thing. If I'm listening to something more aggressive, I tend to drive that way. If I listen to something a little more uplifting, I can usually drive more patiently. After an argument, I listen to something full of revenge (before he cheats by carrie underwood and bust your windows by jazmine sullivan are a few of my favorites). When I need a boost I love listening to Christian music. God is always ALWAYS something I love hearing about. (kirk franklin, tobymac, chris tomlin, nicole c. mullen, and so many more are my favorites). I also enjoy good rap, hip hop, and r&b if it's not too unwholesome. As I say in my video, I will never dog an artist. Even if their message isn't the best, they still have talent.

I don't know, you guys.. music is such a huge part of everyone's life. I couldn't imagine mine without it. There wouldn't be piano, drums, dance etc. And those are all things that are a part of me. Appreciate it and be thankful for it! :)

On another note, I really really want to start blogging with a purpose.. check out some of my favorite video bloggers (goGoons and soundlyawake) and see what I mean. It's almost like you can't stop watching them, they're so interesting! I need help and suggestions! Please message me on facebook or comment my blog and let me know! And tell all your friends about me! That is all. I love all of you! :)

Stay fickle!

-the fickle chicken.

pet peeves plus new youtube channel!

(currently listening to: me talking.. on YOUTUBE!)

Hey readers!

Just a little update on life: I'm now on youtube! So now those of you who really don't like to read a whole bunch of nothing, you can go listen to me babble about crap. :) My first episode was about pet peeves.

Here are some of them:

when people tell you who they are when you call
when people don't sanitize their equipment at the gym
forks and food smacking
the string things on tube tops
when people don't close the lid before they flush
when people don't unpack
when i leave my clothes in the dryer for days at a time
the boob things in bathing suits that always get messed up

THERE'S A BABY CRYING DOWN THE STAIRS OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT!

I'm not understanding.

Anywho, I'm gonna go get pizza for dinner tonight. I accomplished so much! I did spring cleaning, went and worked out, did all my laundry, washed my sheets, and posted two youtube videos! I just need to go to the bank and hit up double daves if there's one in north Austin!

Stay fickle, my loves,

-theficklechicken.

you can hate me, but why knock my hustle?

(currently listening to : bossy by kelis)

Happy readers,

I don't even know what to talk about these days. I get all these great ideas about topics, then I lose them. I want to blog with a purpose. My aunt has a cool blog about movies. She blogs with a purpose. I don't. I just talk and talk and talk. People will read more if they know they're going to get something valuable about it. If you have any ideas on an official purpose for me to blog about, please let it be known.

I guess until then, I'll update you on the happenings of my fickle life.

I'm quitting my salon job. Heart's not in it, what can ya do? I'm going to stick with working at the restaurant for a month or so, get back into college, hopefully find a salon I can booth rent at a few days a week. I really just don't care to go through an entire internship for something I don't plan on doing the rest of my life. Granted, it would have been a lot of money, it would have been fun eventually, and I learned a ton. It just wasn't for me.

this is what an internship does to your spirit.

I'm slowly, but surely getting confidence back. Because I'll no longer be consumed with a thirty minute commute to work, I'm going to start taking dance classes again. I know that will help a TON, and get my mind off of my stupid pitiful heart break. I never realized how long it can take a heart to mend. A heart that's been in real, raw, true love. This heart is still in love, but this heart also realizes that the love is unrequited. I'm loved in return, but it's a different kind of love.

That wasn't supposed to be about love, it was supposed to be about confidence. But whatever.

Anyway. I feel if I start dancing, I won't need love. That's how it was in high school. I went to dance classes and play practice instead of going on dates. I've never needed a boyfriend, so I've never had one. I'm hoping I can get back to that point.

I recently started watching a vlog. If you don't know what that is, it's a video blog pretty much. It's called "soundlyawake" on youtube. It's freaking hilarious. I'm considering doing video blogs instead of writing in my blog. Or maybe I'll combine the two.

I think I just decided what my next poll is going to be.

Should I do video blogs??

Let me know.

I miss my old liiiife!!!! I want the best of both worlds. :( I want it all.

My friends, next time I'm going to talk about a spiritual face lift I recently had. Oh and my cat. :D He's the joy of my life.

eugene, my cat. on the couch that i made a slip cover for. :D

Love to everyone,

-theficklechicken.